The ShatNews Archive

Media Watch

Correspondent Liam files nothing as cats mount sustained provocation campaign at his feet

Both cats spent an afternoon staging escalating provocations in front of Liam, who was building something in Roblox and did not, at any point, look up. Filmed by correspondent Finnley.

From the Editors

A NOTE ON OUR NAME: why a household news network is called ShatNews

Their legal names are Bean and Atticus. The children call them Shit and Shat. We took the usable one and put it on the building. House style, explained once.

Shat Tech

Household internet now routed through a sleeping cat; uptime unaffected

Bean occupies the cable run behind the desk. His office calls the position "load-bearing." Nobody is willing to test what happens if they pull.

Sports

UNPROVOKED CONTACT: Atticus concedes the paw is his, denies being in the room

Photographic evidence of an out-of-competition strike on the champion. "My client acknowledges the paw. My client does not acknowledge the room."

Shat Weather

Bean claims the warmest fourteen inches in the house under the warmth doctrine

The precedent that won Atticus an amplifier now says a sunbeam belongs to Bean. A mechanical keyboard has been undeliverable for three days.

Shat Nation

Bean fortifies the kitchen approach with four shoes; concedes he placed none of them

The line has been breached eleven times, every time by someone getting a glass of water. Atticus declined to participate, citing the bowl.

Shat Business

Atticus orders a full audit of the amplifier, conducts it himself, finds no wrongdoing

The auditor, the audited, and the panel accepting the findings are the same nine-pound animal. The tail across the EQ controls is "instrumentation."

Media Watch

"LET ME GO": Bean's first live interview collapses into sustained yelling

Eleven seconds in, the segment deteriorated and never recovered. The network calls it their strongest numbers ever.

Shat Nation

HISTORIC SUMMIT: bitter rivals appear side by side, issue one unified demand; demand is dinner

At 3:20 they are allies. At 4:15 they are not. This has been true every single day and we keep writing it up.

Shat Tech

Cats requisition household GPU, announce AI startup; business plan is lying on it until it gets warm

"There is no vision here. There is a radiator." The company dissolves the instant the machine powers down.

ShatNews Investigates

THE WRAPPER: both cats found in possession of an unidentified crinkling object

Each blames the other. Both retain the same attorney, who is also one of the two cats. They have eleven toys.

Arts & Succession

THE AMP IS MINE NOW: Atticus seizes the bass rig, declares it a hereditary throne

He cannot play bass. He has never played bass. The claim rests entirely on the amplifier being warm.

Workplace Safety

INCHES FROM TRAGEDY: Rolling office chair nearly flattens Bean; lobbying blitz finds nobody to lobby

PARF's first rally drew zero attendees. The labor board rejected Atticus's complaint — no job, no workplace, no case.

Origin Story

THE RESCUE: How a screaming kitten in a box escaped the food court and became Bean

The full uncut rescue tape. Adelyn carried the wailing box; Nora opened it in the car; Finnley filmed.

This One's Actually True

OUR HERO WAS ALMOST NAMED BIDEN — and, for once, it really happened

On the rescue tape (~2:38), Liam suggests "Biden"; the family pivots to Bean. On a satire site, the true story is the funniest one.

Heroism

Bean single-pawedly defends home from ceiling shadow; nation exhales

The decorated house cat neutralized the threat in under four seconds before returning to his nap.

Crime & Justice

Atticus detained AGAIN in counter-surfing ring — the Terror of Towels strikes

Ham on his breath, zero remorse. His street name — "Shat" — is the one this network bears.

Investigations

DEBRIS FIELD: Who knocked all of this over? Inside the cover-up

Both cats were "asleep the whole time." The bottles tell a different story. Eyewitness: Adelyn.

The Couch Files

Fallen furniture: couch destruction linked to BEAN — justice for Atticus

For once, Atticus didn't do it. "We owe that unemployed man an apology."

Treat Economy

TREATFLATION: Household treat reserves plunge as demand hits all-time high

Analysts blame "the big sad eyes." Kibble futures wobble; the bowl is "functionally empty."

Shat Business

Markets rally on record nap data; the Shat 500 closes at all-time high

Treats surged, boxes held firm, and the labor market remained, per one analyst, "asleep."

Jobs Report

Atticus marks 1,400th consecutive day without employment

Sleeps 19 hours a day; lists "sitting on warm laundry" as his primary professional skill.

Sports

WRESTLENIGHT in the living room: Bean retains title in carpet classic

Bean "Shit" The Kid grounds the larger, unemployed Atticus. Rematch set for 3 AM.

Media

SCANDAL: Bean caught bingeing cat videos during official work hours

He claims he was "reviewing surveillance footage." The footage was other cats.

Primetime

Hannity & Hairballs: America's most-watched indoor cat returns

Weeknights at 9. Strong opinions, the Big Nap Debate, and the Red Dot Files.

Litterbox Radio

Litterbox Radio, 98.6 The Purr: all purrs, all the time

Except at 3 AM, when it is all zoomies. Today's programming and the daily schedule.

Shat Nation

Shat Nation: the streaming home for cats who have opinions

Bold, uncensored, mostly asleep. Originals, documentaries, and an 11-hour windowsill livestream.

Diplomacy

Ceasefire: rivals reach historic cuddle accord; negotiators credit "the warm spot"

The truce lasted a record 41 minutes before one signatory "woke up weird."

Severe Weather

Category 5 static storm slams household; correspondent's hair "fully deployed"

Hair-raising conditions through bedtime. The cats saw it coming and told no one.

Opinion

BEAN: "The door should simply be open on both sides at all times"

A guest editorial from the household hero on doors, cabinets, and oversight.

The Archives

DECLASSIFIED: The Rookie Files — Bean and Atticus were once extremely small

Newly released photos, the teddy-bear chief of staff's first day, and the great sock fight.

Behind The Newsroom

Profile: the guy who runs this place apparently just has "some free time and an AI"

A rare look behind the scenes: one dad, two cats, and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm.