Good evening, and welcome to Hannity & Hairballs. I'm Hannity. Sit down. Actually, don't — I was sitting there.

Tonight: a ShatNews investigation the mainstream feeders don't want you to know about. Somebody moved my water bowl. Two inches. To the left. I have not touched it. I will not touch it. I will instead stare at it, and then at you, until this is made right. We're going to get to the bottom of this, folks, and by "the bottom" I mean I will knock a pen off the desk during the interview.

"They said the bowl was 'in the same spot.' It was NOT in the same spot. I know my spot. I have been sitting in my spot since 2 PM. Wake up, household." — Hannity, opening monologue

THE BIG NAP DEBATE. Our top story tonight. Is 19 hours enough? A panel of one cat — me — says no. Joining me now via the counter, where he is not supposed to be, is career criminal and household resident Atticus, aka "Shat."

ATTICUS: "I sleep 19 hours because the other five are for crime."

HANNITY: "That's the most honest thing anyone has ever said on this program. We'll be right back."

SEGMENT TWO: A NATION ON EDGE. The red dot appeared again tonight, folks. It came into this very studio, danced across that wall — you saw it, everybody saw it — and then vanished. Where does it go? Who controls it? I have a source, and my source is a small clicking sound near the couch, and my source will not return my calls.

Night-vision surveillance graphic: a laser pointer, a red dot ringed by a targeting reticle, and a cat locked on Surveillance
FILE FOOTAGE: The dot, moments before escaping justice yet again.

TONIGHT'S GUEST OF HONOR. He needs no introduction, but the teleprompter insists: decorated hero, wrestling champion, and destroyer of one couch — please welcome Bean, aka "Shit."

HANNITY: "Bean, you single-pawedly defended this home from a ceiling shadow. How?"

BEAN: [slow blinks once]

HANNITY: "Powerful. Chilling. We are out of time."

That's all for tonight. I'm Hannity, and this has been Hannity & Hairballs. Remember: stay curious, stay soft, and if the little red light on the camera looks interesting, it is, and you should absolutely attack it. Good night.

Satire notice: Hannity is a fictional cat and this is a parody of the cable-news-primetime format. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or about any real broadcaster, network, or person, living or napping. Any resemblance is coincidental and for laughs. ShatNews is a made-up family news channel about two real cats named Bean and Atticus; the news is not real.