THE NEWSROOM (THE LIVING ROOM) — Readers have asked, with increasing frequency and decreasing patience, why a household news organization covering two domestic cats is called ShatNews.

The answer is that this newsroom is staffed by children, and children name things.

The cats' legal names, entered on veterinary paperwork and used by every adult in this household, are Bean and Atticus. Bean was named after a moment of televised confusion that this outlet has covered at length. Atticus was named properly, on purpose, by someone who had read a book.

Neither cat has ever been called either of those things by the junior correspondents.

To the children, and to the children alone, the two cats are Shit and Shat. This designation was not assigned by committee. It was not workshopped. It arrived fully formed, was adopted instantly and universally by everyone under fourteen, and has proven completely immune to correction, appeal, or the raising of an adult voice.

"We tried. We tried for about a year. At some point you are just the guy losing an argument to a nine-year-old about a cat's name." — The ShatNews Editorial Board

When this outlet was founded, the masthead required a name. The editorial board took the position that one of the two was usable and one was not. We took the second one. We put it on the building.

Accordingly, ShatNews maintains the following style, which is not open to revision:

  • Bean and Atticus are correct on first and every subsequent reference in all reporting.
  • Shat is permitted in the masthead, in section headings, and when quoting a child directly.
  • The other one is not permitted anywhere in this publication, notwithstanding that it is, by a wide margin, the more frequently used of the two in this house.
  • Where a child has used the other one in an otherwise publishable quote, it is rendered [the cat].

We are aware this produces sentences in which a nine-year-old appears to have said "[the cat] knocked over [the cat]'s water." We have reviewed the alternative. We are comfortable with our decision.

For the avoidance of doubt: the cats do not respond to Bean. The cats do not respond to Atticus. The cats do not respond to Shit, or to Shat, or to any name issued by any person in this household in the last two years.

They respond to the sound of the cabinet.

This notice will not be reissued.