THE KITCHEN APPROACH — Bean has established what his office is describing as a "hardened defensive perimeter" across the entryway to the household's food preparation area, using four items of family footwear positioned at irregular intervals along the floor.

The hero has held the position since shortly after two o'clock. He is seated upright, facing outward, directly between a blue running shoe and a brown sandal. He has not moved. He has, at several points, become very slightly wider.

ShatNews can confirm that Bean did not place any of the shoes.

The shoes were placed there over the preceding four days by three different members of the household, none of whom were consulted, and all of whom have since walked around Bean to retrieve items from the pantry without incident.

"The materials were pre-positioned. That is a logistics achievement in itself." — Bean's office, on the shoes he did not put there

Asked to describe the threat the perimeter is intended to counter, Bean's office issued a statement of unusual length that did not name one. A follow-up request produced a second statement confirming that the threat "remains unspecified by design."

Close-up of Bean lying sphinx-like on the floor looking directly up at the camera with wide blue eyes
THE COMMANDER: Bean, photographed at the perimeter, maintaining what his office describes as "constant upward threat assessment." The bowl is upward. Photo: ShatNews Staff

Atticus, who was present throughout, has declined to participate in the operation. At the time of the declaration he was eight feet away with his entire head inside a bowl. He did not look up. He has not looked up since. His office later confirmed that he had been briefed on the perimeter and considered it "a floor."

The refusal represents the formal end of the coalition assembled at last week's historic summit, which held for four minutes and produced one demand.

Military analysts note that the perimeter has three significant weaknesses. It does not span the full width of the room. It cannot be defended by a cat who is asleep. And it is constructed entirely from objects that the defending force is physically unable to move.

Bean's office rejected all three findings and clarified that the perimeter "was never about the shoes."

At press time, the line had been breached eleven times, on every occasion by someone stepping over it to get a glass of water. Bean's office is counting each of these as a successful identification.