THE STUDIO (THE COUCH) — ShatNews secured the interview of the year Thursday, sitting down with Bean for his first live appearance since being named the household's decorated hero. The booking took weeks. The segment lasted eleven seconds before deteriorating completely and has not recovered.
Bean was scheduled to address four topics: the amplifier succession, the wrapper investigation, his role as Chief Executive of the household AI startup, and persistent reports that he declared 3 AM the official running time without consulting anyone.
He addressed none of them.
The subject's opening statement — delivered at volume, directly into the microphone, and lasting approximately nine seconds without a breath — has been transcribed by our newsroom as "let me go." Subsequent statements have been transcribed identically.
Our host attempted to steer the conversation back to the amplifier crisis on four separate occasions. Each attempt produced the same response, at increasing volume. A fifth attempt was abandoned when the subject began kicking.
Media analysts are divided on whether the appearance was a disaster or a triumph. The network's position is unambiguous.
"Best numbers we've ever had," said a ShatNews spokesperson. "Nobody watched the Hannity sit-down. Nobody watched the opinion column. Twenty-two minutes of a cat yelling 'let me go' and the entire household is in the room. That's the business."
Rival outlets have accused the network of exploiting the subject. ShatNews rejects this, noting that Bean was placed on the set voluntarily, that he has been free to leave at any point, and that the moment he was released he immediately walked eight feet away and lay down, which the network says undermines the entire premise of the criticism.
Bean's press office has since disputed the characterization of the appearance as an interview at all, describing it instead as "a hostage situation" and demanding a correction. The network has issued the correction, appending it to the on-screen graphic, where it currently reads: "CORRECTION: Bean's office wishes to clarify this is a hostage situation."
Ratings rose again following the correction.
Atticus, offered the same platform to respond on the amplifier question, declined through his office, citing a scheduling conflict. His office confirmed the conflict was a nap. His office confirmed the nap had not been scheduled. His office confirmed it was still a conflict.
At press time, the segment remained live. Bean had been released some time ago and was asleep on the floor. The network has continued broadcasting the empty set, on the grounds that people are still watching.