THE ARCHIVES — A trove of newly declassified photographs has upended everything historians thought they knew about the household's two most prominent figures, revealing that both Bean and Atticus were, at one point, tiny.
The documents show Bean — today a decorated hero, champion wrestler, and senior fellow at the Windowsill Institute — arriving at the household as a kitten roughly the size of a sandwich. Early footage shows him unable to climb the couch, an obstacle he now clears "without even looking, honestly, it's showing off at this point."
The Atticus files are considered more troubling. Photographs from his so-called "hood-cadet years" show the future repeat offender being personally carried around the residence in the hood of senior staff member Nora, a level of service he has since described as "the correct amount" and "why did it stop."
Criminologists studying the archive point out that even in the earliest photos, Atticus's gaze is consistently directed at elevated surfaces. "The counters were always the plan," one expert said. "We just didn't want to see it."
Perhaps the most historically significant find is the first recorded meeting between Bean and his current chief of staff, a teddy bear, photographed together in the cat-tree penthouse. The bear has held the position ever since, surviving four cabinet shuffles and at least one incident of being briefly wrestled.
Asked to comment on the release, Bean's office issued a formal statement denying that he was ever small, calling the photographs "doctored," "slanderous," and "okay, fine, that one is pretty cute."