THE PRACTICE CORNER — Under sustained pressure to explain the legal basis of his claim to the household's bass amplification stack, Atticus announced Tuesday that he had ordered a full and independent audit of the equipment, its provenance, and the circumstances of its transfer.

The audit began at 1:40 in the afternoon. It consisted of Atticus sitting on top of the amplifier head and looking down at the speaker cabinet.

It concluded at 2:20, when he fell asleep.

The findings were released shortly afterward by his office and run to a single sentence: the amplifier is warm, the amplifier is his, and no irregularities were identified at any point in the review.

"The auditor has found the auditor's conduct to have been exemplary throughout." — Findings of the Independent Amplifier Review, authored by the subject of the Independent Amplifier Review

Governance experts have raised concerns about the structure of the review, noting that the independent auditor, the audited party, the body commissioning the audit, and the panel accepting its conclusions are in every case the same nine-pound animal.

Atticus's office dismissed the criticism, describing the arrangement as "efficient" and pointing out that no competing bid was submitted. ShatNews can confirm no competing bid was submitted. ShatNews can also confirm that the tender was never announced, was open for approximately four minutes, and took place entirely inside a nap.

Particular attention has focused on the tail, which throughout the review hung straight down the front face of the head unit, directly across the equalization controls and the input jack. Asked whether this constituted interference with the asset under examination, his office described the tail as "instrumentation," then as "a measuring device," then declined further questions.

The household's bassist, who purchased the amplifier, has not been interviewed as part of the review. His submission — that he bought it, that it is his, and that he would like to sit down while playing it — was received by the office and marked "noted."

Bean's office, which has maintained a watching brief at the base of the cabinet since the original seizure, issued a brief response calling the audit "a document." Pressed on whether it would be challenged, his office confirmed that a challenge would require getting up.

The casters remain in place. Big Caster, condemned by both offices following last month's office chair incident, has still not been the subject of any review at all.

At press time, the amplifier remained unplugged, unplayed, and fully audited.