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MEDIA: Cats stage 11-minute provocation campaign at correspondent Liam's feet; he does not look up from Roblox  •  SHAT TECH: Household internet now routed through a sleeping cat; nobody willing to test what happens if they pull  •  SPORTS: Atticus concedes the paw is his, denies having been in the room; paw unavailable for comment  •  FROM THE EDITORS: A note on our name — the cats respond to neither of them, only to the cabinet  •  SHAT WEATHER: Bean claims a sunbeam under the warmth doctrine; Atticus's office insists floors were always excluded  •  DEFENSE: Kitchen approach fortified with four shoes; Bean confirms he placed none of them  •  AUDIT: Amplifier review clears Atticus of all wrongdoing; Atticus conducted the review  •  BREAKING: Atticus seizes bass rig, declares hereditary throne; bassist now playing standing up, unplugged  •  SHAT TECH: Cats found AI company on the warm side of the tower; valuation disclosed as "large"  •  LIVE: Bean's interview enters its 22nd minute of "let me go"; ratings climbing  •  EXCLUSIVE: The full rescue tape is here — watch how Bean escaped the food court  •  THE WRAPPER: Both cats found in possession; both retain the same lawyer, who is also a cat  •  DEVELOPING: Office chair nearly flattens Bean; labor board rejects Atticus's complaint, citing his unemployment  •  BREAKING: Bean declares 3 AM "official running time," entire household affected  •  Atticus spotted near the counter MINUTES before ham disappeared — officials "not ruling anything out"  •  SPORTS: Bean retains Living Room Wrestling title; Atticus demands rematch, nap  •  Red dot remains at large; task force expanded  •  Treat reserves hit historic low, demands for immediate stimulus grow louder  •  DEVELOPING: Suspicious box in living room now occupied
Liam seated on the floor against the speaker cabinet on a handheld device while Bean and Atticus sit in front of him beside a large box
THE STANDOFF: Correspondent Liam (right), mid-build, against the amp and speaker cabinet. Bean (center) and Atticus (on the box) hold his sightline. He is in Roblox. Filmed by correspondent Finnley.
Media Watch  •  The Newsroom

CORRESPONDENT LIAM FILES NOTHING AS CATS MOUNT SUSTAINED PROVOCATION CAMPAIGN AT HIS FEET; DID NOT LOOK UP FROM ROBLOX

Both cats spent an afternoon staging escalating provocations directly in front of junior correspondent Liam. He was building something in Roblox. He remains unaware any of it occurred.

By The ShatNews Media Desk  |  Filmed by correspondent Finnley  |  4 min read

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