THE LIVING ROOM — Every hero has an origin. Fewer have a near miss. ShatNews has now confirmed, through documents and at least three eyewitness children, that in the frantic hours after the rescue, the kitten now known worldwide as Bean was nearly given an entirely different name: Biden.

The suggestion, records show, came from correspondent Liam, who — with the calm, total confidence of a man who had clearly already decided — looked at the tiny screaming animal and said, simply: "Biden."

"Liam just said 'Biden.' No setup. No pitch. Just 'Biden.' And for one genuinely frightening second, everyone in that car went, '…huh, maybe.' That's the part that haunts me. We considered it." — A member of the Naming Committee (the family)

THE CASE FOR BIDEN. Liam argued the name carried gravitas. Distinction. A certain presidential weight that a small seal-point Siamese could, in theory, grow into. "He thought the cat would rise to it," a source recalled. "We were all looking at the kitten, hoping it would suddenly seem important. It was, at that exact moment, trying to eat its own foot."

THE CASE AGAINST. The opposition was swift and, historians agree, correct. You cannot, they argued, run through a house at 3 AM yelling "BIDEN, NO" and keep a straight face. You cannot explain to a veterinarian that Biden has once again defeated a towel. And crucially: the animal in question would not stop screaming, a quality the committee felt was "a lot to pin on a former vice president."

Bean, the name that won, pictured with associate Atticus
The winning candidate (left), moments after the deliberations, already looking more like a Bean than a Biden. Associate Atticus (right) abstained.

THE TURNING POINT. "Biden" did not survive the car. Almost the instant Liam said it, correspondents Adelyn and Nora arrived at the alternative at the same moment — "Bean" — and agreed on it immediately, with none of the hesitation the adults were still nursing. The kitten was, at that point, curled into a tight, warm, unmistakable shape: the shape, specifically, of a bean. That settled it. "Biden" quietly retired to the list of names that would never be, alongside "Sir Reginald," "Kevin," and "Second Cat."

Adelyn and Nora did not deliberate. They did not caucus. They heard "Biden," looked at the bean-shaped animal, said "Bean," and considered the matter closed. It was. Liam, for the record, stands by "Biden" to this day.

Reached for comment on the name that almost was, Bean responded to neither "Bean" nor "Biden," but turned immediately and completely at the sound of a treat bag being opened three rooms away — suggesting his true name may, in fact, be that.

Officials note that in a parallel household, on a slightly different afternoon, this very network would be called BidenNews, and absolutely none of it would make any more sense than this does. We are, all of us, grateful for the bean.

Editor's note: ShatNews fabricates approximately everything. This story is the exception. A child really did suggest "Biden." The family really did choose "Bean." On a satire network, the single funniest thing we have ever published turns out to be the one thing that actually happened.