THE CARPET BESIDE THE DESK — In the biggest upset of the Living Room Wrestling season, Atticus defeated reigning champion Bean "Shit" The Kid by pinfall Saturday afternoon, ending a streak of dominance that had carried the champion to a 13–3 record and turning a routine afternoon on the carpet into a full constitutional crisis for the league.
The bout opened, as their bouts generally do, with both athletes lying down in a way that looked, to the untrained eye, like a nap. Then Atticus stood up on top of Bean.
That was, essentially, the match.
Film review shows the challenger executing a modified version of his signature move, "Sit On Him," which league officials had previously dismissed as "not a move, just a weight." It turns out to be a very effective weight. Bean, pinned on his back, deployed a rabbit-kick flurry and an open-mouthed protest that judges described as "loud and technically excellent," and was unable to get out from under.
It is going to be added to the who-wins-the-fight thing.
THE PROTEST. Bean's office filed a formal objection within the hour, on three grounds. First, that League Rule 4 establishes 3:00 AM as the championship window and that "a pin at four in the afternoon is just two cats on a rug." Second, that the champion was "resting between rounds" and that there were no rounds. Third, that the challenger's weight advantage — long established by this desk at forty percent — "constitutes equipment."
The league rejected all three. On the first point, the commissioner noted that the champion has personally started matches at 7 AM, noon, during dinner, and once during a phone call, and that "the champion's position on scheduling seems to have arrived very recently." On the third, the league ruled that a cat cannot be equipment, which Atticus's office welcomed as "the first thing anyone in this house has ever ruled in my favor."
THE CHALLENGER. Atticus, who has gone well past 1,400 consecutive days without employment and is currently in a live dispute over the amplifier, celebrated the victory by continuing to stand exactly where he was. Asked what the win meant to him, his office said "I was already on top of him, so," and did not finish the sentence.
THE STANDINGS. The result moves Bean to 13–4 and Atticus to 4–13. Bean retains the belt, because the belt is a hair tie and it is under the couch and nobody has been able to reach it since spring. Ringside analysts say that if Atticus wants the title he will need to beat Bean again, at 3 AM, and then go under the couch.
"He's got the weight and now he's got the confidence," said one analyst. "What he doesn't have is the hair tie. And I have never, in all my years covering this league, seen that cat reach under anything."
WHAT'S NEXT. A rematch has been set for 3:00 AM, per league custom, which means it will actually take place at an unannounced time in the middle of the afternoon when nobody is ready. The original WRESTLENIGHT footage remains available for fans who would like to remember a simpler time, when Bean won.