THE DESK — The household has scheduled Bean for a routine veterinary procedure on Tuesday the 29th, and has elected, after brief discussion, not to tell him.
The operation is the standard one. Every male cat in this household has had it. Atticus had it years ago and has spent every day since lying on warm equipment, entirely unbothered, which management has repeatedly cited as evidence that the whole thing works out fine.
Bean, for his part, spent the evening of the booking on the desk, purring, looking up at the exact people who had just made the appointment, and pressing his head into the hand that had typed the confirmation.
THE FILING. Bean's office, reached for comment, confirmed it has not reviewed the appointment and does not intend to. It did, however, issue a preemptive statement asserting that all of Bean's existing claims — the sunbeam, the cable run, the amplifier head, the kitchen floor, the mouse arm, and the bowls — "survive any and all procedures, in perpetuity."
Household counsel confirms this is broadly correct. The warmth doctrine makes no reference to the matter whatsoever, and analysts expect Bean's claim on the amplifier to continue exactly as before, on the grounds that it was never about anything except the amp being warm.
ATTICUS. The one figure in this house with direct experience of the procedure has said nothing. Atticus has been observed watching Bean from the top of the amplifier for extended periods since the appointment was made, in what witnesses describe as "not sympathy, exactly."
Asked whether he intended to prepare his colleague in any way, Atticus's office said it "does not comment on ongoing matters" and noted that Atticus is "in no position to give medical advice," being unemployed, a fugitive, and a cat.
THE LOGISTICS. The appointment requires the carrier. The carrier is the single most unpopular object in this household and has never once been deployed without incident. ShatNews understands the plan is to bring it out at the last possible moment, which is also the plan every time, and which has never worked.
A cone is expected afterward. Management has described the cone as "temporary." Everyone who has ever owned a cat has described the cone as "temporary." ShatNews will cover the cone extensively.
THE OUTLOOK. Veterinary sources confirm the procedure is quick, routine, and by a wide margin the most sensible thing anyone in this household will do all month. Recovery is measured in days. The patient is expected to be back on the warm side of the tower, at full Warmside Compute capacity, almost immediately.
He will also, per household projections, be slightly calmer, marginally less inclined to yell at 3 AM, and no less likely to lie down on the kitchen floor eight feet from the bowls and stare at everyone who walks in.
At press time, Bean had fallen asleep on the arm of the person who booked the appointment, and the appointment was still fourteen days away, and nobody had said anything.