THE LIVING ROOM — At approximately 2:14 PM, a shadow of unknown origin appeared on the ceiling. By 2:14 and four seconds PM, it was gone. There is only one explanation, and his name is Bean.
Witnesses report that Bean, who had been sleeping in a position scientists describe as "structurally impossible," activated instantly. His ears rotated a full 180 degrees. His tail achieved maximum floof. He then executed what military analysts are calling a "vertical deterrence maneuver" — leaping approximately four feet straight up at absolutely nothing.
The threat neutralized, Bean conducted a brief patrol of the perimeter, aggressively sniffed a spot on the carpet that looks identical to every other spot on the carpet, and returned to his post on the back of the couch, where he resumed operations with his eyes closed.
Notably absent from the engagement was Atticus, the household's other cat, who observed the entire event from inside a paper bag and later attempted to take credit for it.
When reached for comment, Bean slow-blinked once, which his press office confirmed means "no further questions."