THE DESK — The ShatNews production pipeline, previously described as "a guy with some free time and an AI," has acquired a third stage.

The stage is Bean.

Beginning earlier this month, the household hero began arriving at the editor's desk during production hours, climbing into the editor's lap, and positioning his head directly beneath the editor's hand — the hand that, until that moment, had been typing. Bean then looks up. He does not blink. He waits.

Sources in the newsroom confirm that this is the entire review process.

THE STANDARDS. ShatNews has obtained the criteria Bean applies to all editorial copy. The full document reads as follows: is someone scratching the head. If yes, the story is approved. If no, Bean moves his head back under the hand. If the hand returns to the keyboard, the story is flagged, and Bean places a paw on the keyboard until it is not.

"He's approved everything. Every single story. He's never read one. But he's approved all of them, as long as I kept going behind the ear, and I think honestly that's more editorial oversight than most places get." — The Editor, typing with the other hand

Industry observers note that Bean has, at minimum, a direct conflict of interest, having been the subject of roughly half of all ShatNews coverage, including every story in which he is described as a hero. Bean's office responded that he has "never once objected to accurate reporting."

THE ARM. The review process escalated Sunday when Bean, having approved a draft, declined to leave. Instead he lay down across the editor's mouse arm, curled into a tight loaf, pressed his face into the crook of the elbow, and fell asleep.

Bean asleep in a loaf on the editor's forearm next to a keyboard
PRODUCTION HALT, MINUTE 40: Bean asleep on the mouse arm. The mouse is just out of frame and, for the duration, unreachable. Photo: The Editor, with the arm that was still available

Production of ShatNews stopped for approximately forty minutes. Nothing was published. The AI waited. The editor did not move the arm, citing the household's long-standing policy on moving a sleeping cat, which is that you do not, and that if you do, you are the kind of person who moves a sleeping cat.

"I had a story half done," the editor said. "It was this story. I couldn't finish it because he was on the arm. So now the story's about that. I don't know what to tell you. He runs the newsroom now."

ATTICUS'S RESPONSE. Atticus, who has spent the same period occupied with defending the amplifier, has not applied for an editorial position, and his office says he "has no interest in a job," which is consistent with his record. Asked whether he felt Bean's appointment was fair, his office noted that there are, in fact, two arms.

The newsroom is reviewing this as a threat.

At press time, this story had been approved by the head of editorial review. He was not awake for it. The editor was scratching his head anyway, just to be safe.