THE HOME OFFICE — At approximately 5:46 PM, an office roller chair — a known repeat offender — moved four inches backward without signaling, missing Bean's tail by a margin experts are calling "a whisker, at most."

Bean, who had been performing his official duties (lying directly in the only path the chair can take), did not move during the incident, has not moved since, and sources confirm he has no plans to move ever. "Relocating would let the chair win," his press office said.

"That chair has five wheels and zero remorse. We are dealing with Big Caster, and Big Caster plays for keeps." — Bean's press office, from under the desk

Within hours, both cats founded an advocacy group, Paws Against Rolling Furniture (PARF), and announced a household-wide lobbying campaign demanding caster speed limits, mandatory backup beepers on all seating, and — in a late addition to the platform — that the 4 PM feeding be moved to 3:30.

The campaign immediately hit a snag: there are no activists. PARF's first rally, held beside the food bowl, drew an attendance of zero. Calls to the activist community went straight to voicemail. The one organizer who could be located was asleep in the $80 cat bed's general vicinity — though notably, not in it — and declined to wake up for comment.

"We are lobbying as hard as we can," Bean said via slow blink. "But you cannot lobby an empty hallway. We have knocked on every door in this house. Most of them were closed, which is a separate lawsuit."

Undeterred, both cats escalated Friday by filing formal complaints with the Household Labor Board, alleging life-threatening workplace conditions. Bean's complaint — occupation listed as "Anchor / Household Security" — is under review.

Atticus's complaint, however, was rejected within minutes, after board officials noted that the complainant has been unemployed for over 1,400 consecutive days and therefore, quote, "has no workplace in which to be endangered."

Atticus, reached in his tower hideout, called the ruling "a technicality" and vowed to appeal, arguing that the near miss is precisely the kind of hazardous working condition that has kept him from seeking employment. The board responded that this is not how any of this works. He has since listed "near-miss survivor" on his résumé, directly under "sitting on warm laundry."

Management, for its part, responded to the safety concerns by continuing to sit in the chair.

At press time, Bean had relocated to a position slightly more under the chair.