THE COUCH — After years of intermittent hostilities including tail-biting, ambush warfare, and one unresolved incident involving ham, Bean and Atticus entered into a formal cuddle accord Thursday afternoon, stunning diplomats who had described the two sides as "irreconcilable" as recently as breakfast.
The breakthrough came, sources say, when both parties independently discovered the same warm spot and, rather than initiate the customary wrestling protocol, simply gave up at the same time. Experts are calling it the most significant mutual surrender in household history.
Under the terms of the agreement, Bean receives the sunward side of the warm spot, Atticus receives the right to use Bean as a pillow, and both parties agree to a mutual non-aggression pact that expires, per the treaty's own language, "the moment one of us wakes up weird."
The accord builds on months of quiet, working-level grooming talks, in which each side agreed to lick the other's head under strict reciprocity rules. Talks nearly collapsed twice when grooming escalated to gentle biting, which negotiators noted "is always how it starts."
International reaction was swift. The teddy bear issued no statement, consistent with his position as chief of staff. The bottles on the floor called the peace "convenient" and demanded a full investigation into who pushed them. The red dot could not be reached, as is tradition.
At press time, the accord had been extended indefinitely after both signatories were declared "too cozy to move" by the household oversight committee, which then took the picture you see above instead of doing anything about it.