THE CARPET — Under the bright lights of the living room lamp, Bean "Shit" The Kid defended his Living Room Wrestling Championship Tuesday night, grounding the larger, heavier, and significantly more unemployed Atticus in front of a sold-out crowd of everyone who happened to be home.
The match opened with Atticus's signature move, "The Loaf," in which he simply lies down and becomes very difficult to move. Bean countered with a flurry of rabbit-kicks that judges scored 9.8, 9.9, and one "AWWWW" from the audience, which does not count but was noted.
The turning point came in round three, when Atticus attempted his controversial "Sit On Him" maneuver. Bean slipped free, executed a textbook hallway sprint measuring — per the official ShatNews radar gun — "extremely fast," and returned to land the winning pounce as Atticus was distracted by a piece of fuzz.
The post-match ceremony was marred by scandal when both athletes immediately curled up together, a violation of League Rule 1 ("at least pretend to be rivals"). The commissioner declined to issue fines, citing "look at them."
Atticus, through his representative (himself), has filed a formal protest alleging the carpet was "slippery," the fuzz was "planted," and the referee was "biased toward cats with jobs." The league has responded by scheduling a rematch for 3:00 AM, the only time slot both athletes are inexplicably at maximum power.
In other league news, the Synchronized Napping finals remain postponed indefinitely, as both competitors keep qualifying at the same time, in the same spot, on top of each other, which officials have ruled is "technically a perfect score."