FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA — It began, as all great sagas do, with a man being talked into something. Sources confirm that ShatNews's own household patriarch, Jamie, had made his position clear: the family did not need another cat. The family disagreed. The family, it should be noted, always wins.

"They said it would keep the other one busy," Jamie is quoted as saying, referring to Atticus — the black cat, career criminal, and reigning Terror of Towels. "They said an only cat gets bored. They said it would be good for him. They looked at me with the eyes. I never had a chance."

"For the record, the other cat did NOT need help staying busy. He is a wanted felon. But here we are." — Jamie, household patriarch, under duress

The target of the operation was a tiny Siamese kitten — blue-eyed, cream-coated, and, according to eyewitnesses, in grave danger. The kitten had turned up at a food-court Chinese place inside a shopping mall, where, this network is legally obligated to describe only as "a deeply uncertain future," he was widely believed to be destined for sale as orange chicken.

"He was going to be the orange chicken," one family member said flatly. "We could not allow that. He was too small and too loud to be a menu item."

THE EXTRACTION. The kitten was placed in a cardboard box for transport. This is where the operation nearly came apart. From the moment the flaps closed, the kitten began to scream — a full, sustained, mall-carrying wail that did not stop.

The unenviable task of carrying the box fell to Adelyn, who transported the shrieking cargo across the length of the food court while it howled from within. "It was so loud," a witness recalled. "You could hear it through the cardboard. Everyone could hear it. People turned around. She just kept walking, very fast, holding a box that was screaming."

"I have carried many things through that mall. I have never carried anything that was yelling at me the entire time. I could feel it vibrating." — Adelyn, box-transport specialist

THE REVEAL. Safely inside the getaway car, the box was finally opened. In footage captured by field correspondent Finnley — who this network commends for his steady hand and refusal to stop filming — Nora is seen reaching into the box and lifting the kitten free, at which point the wailing stopped, the household's fate was sealed, and Bean entered the record.

He was named Bean. He would later be nicknamed something less printable. He would go on to destroy a couch, defeat a ceiling shadow, lose a wrestling belt only on paper, and be caught watching cat videos at work. But it all traces back to this: a box, a scream, and a family that would not let him become the orange chicken.

Atticus, for the record, has never once thanked anyone for the company.