THE CARPET — A single plastic wrapper of unknown origin has become the center of the household's most contentious investigation since the Debris Field, after photographic evidence placed both cats at the object at the same moment.
The wrapper — crinkled, translucent, and according to forensic assessment "extremely loud" — was discovered mid-afternoon in open carpet, several feet from any surface it could plausibly have fallen from. No packaging remains nearby. No one has claimed it.
Both cats were present. Both cats have accounts.
Bean, the household's decorated hero, maintains he arrived after the fact and was performing a security assessment of the object when photographed. Asked why the assessment required placing his entire face on the wrapper, Bean's press office explained that this is standard procedure and that critics "do not understand the work."
Atticus's account differs. Through his office, the unemployed black cat states that he was merely passing through, had no interest in the wrapper, and in fact does not care for wrappers, a claim complicated by his 1,400-day record of caring about very little else.
Investigators pressed Atticus on why, if he had no interest in the object, he had positioned himself directly facing it in a low crouch. His office responded that he faces many things and that facing is not a crime.
The investigation has been hampered by a total collapse of witness cooperation. Both cats have retained the same legal representation, an arrangement one household member described as "a serious conflict of interest," and which is further complicated by the fact that the attorney in question is also one of the two cats. Neither will confirm which.
Adding to the difficulty: the wrapper's original contents remain unidentified. It may have held a treat. It may have held nothing. One theory circulating among investigators holds that the wrapper was never a container at all and has simply been elevated to contraband status by two parties who wanted something to fight over.
"That's the whole thing, isn't it," said one household member. "It's garbage. It's a piece of garbage on the floor. They have eleven toys."
Sources confirm the eleven toys remain untouched, in a basket, where they have been for some time.
The Household Labor Board declined to comment, noting that this falls outside its jurisdiction and that it has already had a considerable week.
At press time, the wrapper had been removed and thrown away. Both cats were observed sitting in the spot where it used to be, side by side, in what is being described as the first cooperation between them all month.