THE PANTRY — The household's Strategic Treat Reserve fell to historic lows this quarter, according to a report released by whoever shook the bag and heard almost nothing rattle around in there.
Economists point to a perfect storm of market pressures: aggressive lobbying at the treat cabinet, coordinated leg-rubbing campaigns, and what the report describes as "weaponized cuteness deployed at scale." Bean alone is estimated to have extracted treats worth double the daily allowance simply by sitting nicely and doing the eyes.
The crisis deepened when auditors discovered that Atticus — unemployed, and already facing multiple counter-surfing charges — had been operating what investigators describe as an "off-books treat acquisition scheme," intercepting treats intended for Bean by simply being closer and faster.
Meanwhile, the food bowl situation remains volatile. Officials confirmed the bowl was "half full, clearly, anyone can see that," but both cats have declared it functionally empty because the bottom of the bowl is visible in the middle. Protests are ongoing and extremely loud.
Markets briefly rallied on rumors of a grocery run, then crashed when the bags turned out to contain "mostly people food." A treat stimulus package is expected by dinnertime, because it is always expected by dinnertime, and it always passes.