THE DESK — ShatNews's most decorated anchor is facing the first controversy of his spotless career after photographs emerged showing Bean at the official work desk, on the clock, watching what forensic analysts have confirmed was "a video of a cat on a bed."
The photos show Bean positioned directly in front of the monitor, tail curled in what body-language experts call "full leisure configuration," while the screen displays content that is unambiguously recreational. At one point, sources say, he tried to tap the cat on the screen.
Bean's press office released a statement describing the session as "routine review of perimeter surveillance tapes," an explanation that collapsed within hours when investigators noted that the household does not have perimeter surveillance tapes, and that one of the videos featured a laugh-crying emoji.
Most damaging of all is the allegation that one of the videos Bean watched may have been a video of Bean. Experts remain split on whether he recognized himself, with the leading theory being "absolutely not."
Atticus, reached for comment on his colleague's scandal, called it "disgraceful," "a stain on this institution," and "can I see the video," before watching it three times.
An internal ethics review has cleared Bean of all wrongdoing, citing precedent: he is the one who conducts internal ethics reviews, and he was busy.