THE NEWSROOM — Behind every great news network is a great story, and behind ShatNews is a guy named Jamie who, when asked how a whole cable news channel about his cats came to exist, said: "I've got some free time and an AI, so."
That's it. That's the business plan. Sources confirm there is no second half.
The kids' review of the finished product is in, and it is a rave: an extended, escalating "WHOA — really? how? why? whaaaa?" — which the founder has framed and hung, metaphorically, in the corner office. "Best notes I've ever gotten," he said.
The newsroom has also, remarkably, started running itself. One kid liked it so much they filed the origin story now running up top — making ShatNews the only outlet in the house with actual reporters. Another handles camera. Management could not be prouder and has promised everyone a raise (a treat).
THE NUMBERS. The network has no revenue, no ads that are real, and two employees who have never once shown up (Bean and Atticus, paid entirely in laps). The lone stable executive is the teddy bear, Chief of Staff, who has held the role longer than anyone and has never leaked a single thing to the press.
Asked whether he'll keep going, Jamie said he really should probably do something more productive, and then, immediately, said he had an idea for one more story. At press time, he was writing it.