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DEVELOPING: Bean scheduled for a routine procedure Tuesday the 29th; subject has not been informed and is purring  •  BREAKING: Bean scales the amplifier, sits down beside Atticus; correspondent on scene: "The throne is being challenged as we speak"  •  SPORTS UPSET: Atticus pins the champion in broad daylight; Bean's office argues it doesn't count if it isn't 3 AM  •  MERGERS: Sunbeam dispute ends with both claimants lying on the sunbeam, and on each other  •  NEWSROOM: Bean appoints himself head of editorial review; approves every story as long as someone is scratching his head  •  LABOR: Bean stages Labor Day sit-in eight feet from the bowls; bowls contained food; organizers call this "a technicality"  •  SHAT TECH: Warmside Compute restructures; Atticus exits, Bean is now the entire company and the company is asleep  •  HEARINGS: Atticus claims new mixer for the throne; mixer still in box, completely cold; hearing ends at first sight of a wand toy  •  MEDIA: Cats stage 11-minute provocation campaign at correspondent Liam's feet; he does not look up from Roblox  •  SHAT TECH: Household internet now routed through a sleeping cat; nobody willing to test what happens if they pull  •  SPORTS: Atticus concedes the paw is his, denies having been in the room; paw unavailable for comment  •  FROM THE EDITORS: A note on our name — the cats respond to neither of them, only to the cabinet  •  SHAT WEATHER: Bean claims a sunbeam under the warmth doctrine; Atticus's office insists floors were always excluded  •  DEFENSE: Kitchen approach fortified with four shoes; Bean confirms he placed none of them  •  AUDIT: Amplifier review clears Atticus of all wrongdoing; Atticus conducted the review  •  BREAKING: Atticus seizes bass rig, declares hereditary throne; bassist now playing standing up, unplugged  •  SHAT TECH: Cats found AI company on the warm side of the tower; valuation disclosed as "large"  •  LIVE: Bean's interview enters its 22nd minute of "let me go"; ratings climbing  •  EXCLUSIVE: The full rescue tape is here — watch how Bean escaped the food court  •  THE WRAPPER: Both cats found in possession; both retain the same lawyer, who is also a cat  •  Red dot remains at large; task force expanded
Atticus lying on top of the bass amplifier head while Bean sits upright beside him on the same amplifier
THE CHALLENGE: Atticus (front) holds the amplifier head. Bean (rear) has joined him on it, uninvited, and is looking pointedly at the wall. There is not room for this. Photo: ShatNews Staff
Arts & Succession  •  Breaking

"THE THRONE IS BEING CHALLENGED AS WE SPEAK": BEAN SCALES THE AMPLIFIER, SITS DOWN BESIDE ATTICUS; NEITHER CAT WILL ADMIT THE OTHER IS THERE

For weeks Bean held a "watching brief" at the foot of the cabinet and was widely mocked for it. On Sunday he went up. A ShatNews correspondent was rolling, and called it live.

By The ShatNews Arts & Succession Desk  |  With video: the live call  |  4 min read

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